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Then last week as I was showing a young couple around our gardens and pond—a place we rent out for weddings—things between me and Mr. Beaver changed forever. Coming down the steps in front of our pond I was struck by the bare glare of nothing screaming back at me. Our centerpiece—our favorite Flaming Japanese Maple—was nowhere to be seen.

What?

Flying through the stages of pre-grief in about ten seconds—denial, bargaining, rage, sadness—all I had to see was the chopped up leaves lacing the pond to know that Mr. Beaver and I were now enemies forever. For the first time in my short life I didn’t admire the cone-shaped chop job, perfect with its pointy center and equidistant circles, I fumed. Maybe our wildlife protection laws were a little too strict in Oregon after all.

My response was classic. For so many years I’ve read, been told, reminded and even admonished others of the selfishness of our sin condition. Basically we love that which makes us feel good. We even call it (what makes us feel good)—good, and that which doesn’t—evil. So small is our gaze and so sharp is our focus on self, it’s a wonder God reaches us at all. I definitely couldn’t visualize Jesus having hate thoughts towards Mr. Beaver.

When I accepted God many years back, I submitted myself to the reality that They were going to completely expose and overhaul my heart and soul with life lessons and circumstances. I took the Student Vow—a vow that puts me in the place of listener and learner for the rest of my life. In this position all that comes my way is to be my teacher. Either by exposing my hard heartedness—it’s all about me!—and my pain and my belief in the big lies of not being lovable, or by inspiring me with an example of what humility and love really are.

Having made this student pact with Jesus and myself—and knowing full well that Mr. Beaver had not given me an example of what humility and love were like, I was left with only one option… to take a peak at my hard heart. Exposed in the glare of the afternoon sun, my sudden turning, indignation, etc. hollered to the universe just how entitled I felt I was. I had rights! Right? This tree was mine! I had paid for it!

Sure enough, I was still very human. Beavers were good if they were in stories that made me laugh at night. Beavers were evil if they ate trees that I wanted by my pond for decoration. Yes, I was ready for the quiz. Yes, I knew the answers to these very familiar questions. Yes, my affections where conditional. Yes, I felt entitled; I was owed! Yes, I do often quantify the worth of things by their direct impact on my life and agenda…  I felt like I was back in Unselfishness 101 for the fifteenth time.