AnswersForMe > Find Answers > Family >

Email | Print |  Share  Digg Facebook MySpace  Yahoo! Buzz Twitter

Photo: Daphne Wolf

Some time ago we met a young couple by the name of Elton and Janisse. Each morning the couple started their day with the usual greeting of  “good morning," and an embrace. This was their normal routine. One day as Elton headed for lunch with some co-workers, he saw a new sports car in a dealer's showroom that caught his eye. His co-workers encouraged him to go ahead and get a better look. When Elton got closer, he was excited by the color and the beautiful design. As he continued to admire the car, he also noticed the price and realized it would take all the money he and his wife had saved.

After work, Elton rushed home to share the excitement with Janisse. She became very excited with his enthusiasm until he mentioned his desire to use their savings for a down payment for the sports car. Janisse reminded him that their money was being saved to a buy a home. The couple quarreled and were unable to agree upon the future of their finances. They slept in separate beds for the first time in their marriage. 

During the night, neither could sleep, and it was clear they would not come together regarding this issue. As morning approached, they both thought about their daily routine, who would speak first, and who could say something good about yesterday’s events? The moment had come for the couple to make a decision.

Elton dropped his head and a tear rolled down his cheek. Then Janisse said to him, "Honey the good thing about you yesterday was the wonderful joy you demonstrated when you told me about the car. Unfortunately, I was….” Before she could finish the thought, her husband interrupted and said, “Honey, the good thing about you yesterday was how you listened to me talk about a dream. But I realize the reality is building my life with you, so now the car does not appeal to me anymore.”

Elton became excited about a dream and he was contemplating a selfish decision. Janisse was offended for two reason, the lack of communication and Elton’s insensitivity toward their family goals and objectives.

In this story, two points are significant as we investigate the complexities of dealing with anger and other associated feelings.
 
1. The couple established a routine which became a fortifier against the attack of self-gratification. A simple acknowledgment on a daily basis, allowed an opportunity to establish positive communication.

2. During a time of weakness, the anger was a result of human tendencies leading to confrontation.

It is accurate to address our feelings regarding how we deal with anger. But what becomes difficult is implementing the behavior change to improve how we can elevate ourselves to handle anger and the anxiety associated with these feelings. Each of us has developed our own method of coping with uncomfortable situations. In the process of understanding the mechanism we develop, it would be helpful if we became open to personal inventory about who we are, and how we cope. In many situations  we cope by avoidance, isolation, depression, and aggression. 

These methods for coping can create barriers in the way we interact with each other. We must ask ourselves if our coping skills are misleading us in the areas that really matter.
  
The decisions we make in our relationships require constant evaluation of feelings and the consideration of others. The attitude towards relationships must show there is a legitimate love for the other person. In observing couples and relationship in crisis, it is apparent that one person has shut down and has refused to communicate, while the other is frustrated and provides all the communication. The person who continued to talk out of frustration has also developed a sense of cynicism, which is communicated in their demeanor. The person who refuses to communicate has redirected their level of response as a defense mechanism. Both develop a safe place of refuge within their own minds, and refuse to hear what is being conveyed during the conversation. 

It is significant to recognize the manifestation of impulse control. The inability to maintain a calm dialogue will cause anxiety and negative responses that may cause confrontation within an alliance or contact. It becomes apparent during negative verbal communication, individuals are unable to express themselves in a manner that is reflective of a balanced character. This may hinder the communication exchange of positive dialogue creating difficulty to rationalize in an effective process. 

The inability to be heard and share feelings can materialize into aggression, reflecting the frustration experienced in relationships in crisis. When that happens, it becomes necessary to refocus on making an attitude adjustment to reestablish the love and joy of the relationship. The need for a risk taking experience is required. The need to make a change in behavior becomes paramount towards changing the attitude.

We must develop coping skills that will assist us in recognizing behavior that will cause dissension preventing individuals from establishing positive dialogue. This means our demeanor should reflect sensitivity and humility even during tensed interaction while communicating.

Sometimes we move into an unrecognizable anger zone. We allow anger to consume us, resulting in behaviors that others may reject because of their inability to understand our personal issues.

Without knowing where the anger originated, it continues to manifest into a negative personality and causes depression, isolation, and anxiety. It is important to develop a break through that will address negative behavior of impulsive reaction resulting from unresolved anger.
______________________________

The Nowlins are the authors of the Attitidue Adustment of the Christian Man and Woman. Kim is director of Kim Logan Communications. All rights reserved © 2010 AnswersForMe.org. Click here for content usage information.