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Divorce Is Not an Option

By Marcel Schwantes

Photo:Stockxpert

Being a newlywed is a wonderful and challenging time. Now married nine months, I find myself sailing through uncharted terrain, learning about my wife’s most precious needs, her complex, yet beautiful array of emotions, fears, frustrations joys and desires. More importantly, I’m constantly striving to understand how to love her deeper. This free gift also comes packaged with disagreements and differences of opinions. Some we are learning about now, like not seeing eye-to-eye on matters of finance, raising a family, and even, as has been the case recently, deciding on whether to keep and raise a rescued puppy with a permanent illness.

Learning from my own experiences has caused me to evaluate those in my own social circles, and it’s not all a bed of roses. I am saddened whenever I hear news of my married friends tossing in the towel. Some are separated, or looking to divorce. Two of these couples haven't made it past the 5th year. The numbers seems to be growing.

As I hear about these unfortunate events, I am reminded that “for better for worse” is not suggesting choosing between one or the other. “To love and to cherish” has only one deadline: “till death do us apart.” It doesn't mean until she has kids, starts aging, puts on a few pounds and doesn't "rock your world" anymore. It doesn't mean that you discard her because you had a lifelong epiphany that your true passion is to join a rock band and go on a tour. And she won’t hop on your groupie bandwagon.

When I got married in October, 2008, I made a commitment to myself, to my bride-to-be, and to the one above that I was ready to take on this gargantuan life-task. But months before standing at the altar in my rented tuxedo, I understood the severity of my choice. By declaring love to one woman, forever, I had to come to a point of knowing without a fiber of doubt that there was no turning back; no exchange or return policy. For the first time in my “manly” existence, one event epitomized what it meant to step up to the plate and actually “be a man.” Standing at the crossroads of bachelorhood and future-husbandry, looking at the distant horizon of forsaking sporting events and nights out with the boys in exchange for diaper changing and chick flicks was a test like no other. To own up to this immense responsibility, I had to come to a complete and resolute clarity that, well, this was it. Divorce will never be an option. This is the higher road. This is what marriage was meant to.

Still, there are those friends who are now hurting and on the long road to healing. As I inspect their failing marriages, I am reminded of the most important exercises of dating and the patterns I had to unlearn. If you’re single and dating, I urge you to consider these points and truly take this to heart:

1. Get to know the person you’re potentially going to marry as if she's your wife rather than an experiment waiting to go wrong.

2. Stop looking once you find a great mate! There will always be a greener grass on the other side if you keep looking. This is the pattern of the uncommitted. If you give yourself enough reasons to look for a way out, you will soon find the back door. Again. And again.

3. Before you put on your hunting gear and head out to the wife pasture, understand whether you truly are fit for marriage yourself – emotionally, spiritually, professionally, etc.

4. Learn all about unconditional love. This is the spine that will hold your future marriage together. Choose to practice it daily. How many times have you heard that love is a choice? It's true. And sometimes by loving her, you’ll have to let her have her way.

5. Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition. Both must give 100% to commitment and doing the win-win thing, remembering that you want each other more than you want anything else. Getting your way at the expense of closeness to her is not really getting your way.

I can say without a doubt that I wasn't ready to marry my wife when we met. I still had work to do. I had to learn to filter out unhealthy patterns of behavior out of my system. I had to learn to conquer the lust and desires of my single years. All the things that, deep down inside, I knew would be detrimental to a healthy and trusting marriage had to go buh-bye.

Oh, and the rescued puppy? The wife got her way and we kept the dog, which I now love like my own kid.
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Marcel Schwantes is a certified life and transition coach with a virtual office open to clients across the country. He helps his clients achieve life-fulfillment, and loves to work with men seeking to walk in daily spiritual integrity. All rights reserved © 2009 AnswersForMe.org. Click here for content usage information.