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Beware of Jealousy
By Donna A. Smith, MPH, RD, LD
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| Photo: Kadri Poldma |
According to the Oxford American Dictionary, jealousy is being resentfully suspicious of rivalry (like your lover); resentfully envious which is being discontent or ill-will over another’s advantages or possessions, a desire for something that another has. Let me add that jealousy is an artful form of manipulation sometimes involving an innocent party. Since this innocent party is usually clueless to the game, you are sending a false message to him/her. Although the focus of this message is directed toward romantic relationships, the principles discussed are appropriate for all types of personal interactions.
Before exploring the question of this article, let’s discuss what you desire in the relationship of your dreams. Would you want your relationship to be caring, tender, honest, open, trusting, with much sharing and exclusive? If you are like most people you do desire those qualities. When you try to make your partner jealous, do you get those qualities just mentioned that describe the relationship of your dreams?
Maybe you use jealousy occasionally just to spice things up when the doldrums occur and you need more activity or attention. If you are feeling insecure in the relationship or feel that your partner’s attentions are divided, is there any other tactic that may be used? Although this is a game that lovers often play, it can create feelings of distrust, resentment or worse abandonment.
Undoubtedly, many will report that jealousy works for them and they are finally getting attention such as frequent phone calls and their favorite flowers. Is this behavior sustained or do you have to repeatedly play the game? Realize that oftentimes when jealousy enters the picture, more insecurity and distrust abound. Neither of these is a spring board for a nurturing environment.
Some Self-directed Questions
We learn from the Bible the awful acts committed against Joseph whose brothers were jealous of him (Genesis 37). In Proverbs 6:37, “For jealousy makes a man furious, and he will not spare when he takes revenge.” This seemingly harmless act can reap havoc. The best remedy is to do some self-inventory and make wise choices. Ask yourself these probing questions: Did you use this tactic in previous relationships? What were the results? Are you too needy? Have you wounded the spirit of your partner and he or she is withdrawing? Are you willing to address your negative actions that could be causing distance between you two? Do you participate in your partner’s interests and listen intently to things that he/she is involved in at work or play? Is your partner clearly giving signals that they are not as interested in you as before? Is your partner truly giving signals that they have become enamored with someone else?
After asking yourself the above questions, make sure that you give your partner space to be an individual. Unless he/she has obviously crossed the boundaries-that hopefully you have discussed-then lighten up. However, if you are still feeling a tad bit of jealousy, there’s hope. I came across this article written by Mitch Slomiak entitled “Coping with Jealousy." 1 Here’s a brief version of that article to help you with your feelings:
1) Be kind to yourself, the presence of jealousy does not mean the end. Be patient and take this time to pay a closer attention to you.
2) Do not panic! Jumping your partner with insults and accusations could jeopardize an already shaky relationship. Give it a little time to actually get a better understanding of what is occurring in your relationship.
3) Communicate with your partner and keep these lines opened. Express your concerns of how you feel.
4) Study the times when jealousy occurs such as what were your thoughts.
5) Ask your partner for what you need and try to negotiate. Be open to his/her suggestions.
One last thought, if the person insists on giving inappropriate attentions to someone else after you have confronted them and tried to address certain issues, then you must, after much prayer, allow them to be free. After all you want to be in a relationship with a person who wants to be with and without being forced or obligated to being with you. 1 Corinthians 13:4 confirms this, “love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful.” Real love will demonstrate the attributes that you want and you won’t have to artfully manipulate the situation or use jealousy to get the love and attention desired.
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