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Photo: Hemera

I entered her lovely elementary school office to find the school counselor and five 6th grade students waiting, heads hung low. The principal turned to face me. “The reason I have called you here is to show you what these students have been doing.”

The students had scars, approximately 1½ - 2 inches long on the backs of their hands and on their arms. Some wore band-aids to cover the fresh wounds, while others had older scars. But each was somehow involved in something I had never seen before!

“How did you get this scar?” the principal questioned. Shame prevented the children from answering. “What happened here?” she repeated. One of the smaller girls cleared her throat and said that she had taken erasers and rubbed them back and forth on her hand until they caused the damage.

With an incredulous look, the principal intently inquired, “Why did you do this?”

Usually the counselor, principal or nurse is able to extract from a child how he or she has been hurt. This particular child said she did it to herself because she was angry. “I’d rather hurt out here on my arm than in here.” She tapped her heart gently.

The principal responded, “I am worried that you’re not using wise judgment.” Very concerned, she asked me to add to her comments. I told the children that their bodies are very precious and it is unbelievable that they could abuse them in this way. I also explained that inflicting these wounds increased the opportunity for infection to get into their bodies.

The students listened and seemed to take the mini-lectures to heart.

Then, the school counselor moved in closer to the children. “Do all of you have pains in your life? Is that why you are doing this?” The heads all nodded. “You all must be hurting an awful lot to do this.” More nods.

No One Understands

In cases like this, school counselors usually plan to meet with each of the children individually. He or she usually just listens, which is one of the biggest complaints of the children. They feel the adults in their lives are not able to understand them, and are judgmental. They feel they have no one they can talk to, and no one whom they can trust.

Many parents will object to being labeled the cause of their child’s self-mutilation. They’ll say, “I’m not judgmental! I tell them when they are making bad decisions, yes, I am their parent!” But the bottom line is that the child feels they are unfairly judged, whether or not it’s true.

Self-abuse is often mistaken for attention getting; however, most of the children go to great lengths to cover up their secret. It is, instead, a displacement of pain. Have you ever heard of the man who has such a bad day at work he goes home and kicks his dog? Erasing off the skin or cutting it is similar; it is the result of a lot of bad days, and moving the pain to a less vulnerable spot. 

What can we do to help these children and combat this growing problem in our schools? We can be good listeners. Find out about your children. What do they like? What do they hate? How do they feel? Support them in their individuality and don’t stifle their uniqueness.